I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
