He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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