She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
