plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize