i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
