Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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