he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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