Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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