i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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