He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
