all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
