Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
