You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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