I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
