Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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