I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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