dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
