Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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