remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
