What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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