last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
