Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
