You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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