It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
