we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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