So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
