U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
