if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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