whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Is it because I queefed?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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