I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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