why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
