i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Drunk is a universal language darling
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize