That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize