Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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