Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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