omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
