I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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