She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
