Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
