Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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