i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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