it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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