I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
