Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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