i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
