You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
