Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He? As in you personified your dick?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
