the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
