fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
