I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
