Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
