I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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