We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
