i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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