did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
