Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
