fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she told me i tasted like america
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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