That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh god it's open bar.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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