I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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