dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
