Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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