Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
