I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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