I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
