I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
