the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize